The Heritage Foundation's frantic denials of being hacked by 'gay furries' have only intensified suspicions about what can only be described as the most fabulous fascist plot in political history.
Hacktivist group SiegedSec, apparently bored with run-of-the-mill government corruption, decided to spice things up by releasing 200 gigabytes of the Heritage Foundation's deepest, furriest secrets. And oh boy, did they uncover a doozy.
Project 2025, once thought to be a straightforward blueprint for turning America into a garden-variety fascist state, has been revealed as something far more nefarious - a comprehensive plan to transform the United States into a furry fascist regime. That's right, folks. The Heritage Foundation, long considered a bastion of conservative values, has been secretly plotting to replace democracy with a technicolor dictatorship of faux fur.
Internal memos detail plans for mandatory fursuit rallies, the replacement of the Pledge of Allegiance with a rousing "Furhrer's Fursona Oath," and constitutional amendments guaranteeing the right to bear ears - but only for state-approved species. The Department of Defense budget has been reallocated to develop tactical scritching techniques for crowd control, while the Federal Reserve is set to introduce a new currency featuring the stern, anthropomorphic visage of their chosen leader: General Fluffles.
When reached for comment, a visibly flustered Heritage Foundation spokesperson, sporting what appeared to be hastily hidden wolf ears, stated, "This is all a big misunderstanding. We were simply... exploring alternative governance models based on the, uh, efficient hierarchies found in wolf packs. It's purely theoretical, of course."
As America grapples with this earth-shattering revelation, one thing is clear: the future of authoritarianism is far more colorful, cuddly, and uncomfortably warm than anyone could have imagined.
But as the saying goes, you can lead a nation to furry fascism, but you can't make them yiff.
