Healthcare executives at Kaiser Permanente celebrated their most profitable quarter ever yesterday after implementing their "Wellness-Aligned Data Protection Initiative" - charging victims of their massive data breach for having their medical records stolen.
"We're proud to democratize the cost of cybersecurity," said Kaiser CFO Tom Whitaker, sipping champagne at the company's quarterly earnings call. "By spreading the financial burden of our security failures across our patient base, we're creating a more equitable healthcare ecosystem."
The new revenue stream emerged after Kaiser's recent cybersecurity incident exposed 12.3 million patient records. The healthcare provider now includes a "Digital Wellness Fee" on affected patients' bills, which they've classified as a pre-existing condition to ensure insurance won't cover it.
"Studies show that paying for your own data breach is actually preventative care," explained Board Chair Patricia Reynolds. "It builds financial resilience and reduces stress about future incidents. That's why we're offering patients the opportunity to pre-pay for future data exposures at today's competitive rates."
The company has also updated its intake forms to include a revolutionary opt-in checkbox for data protection. "For just $49.99 per month, patients can choose to have their sensitive medical information protected from cyber threats," said Kaiser CEO Michael Davidson, adjusting his Rolex. "We even offer a family plan discount of 5% off when an entire household's medical history is exposed together."
When asked about the program's success, Davidson beamed. "Our shareholders couldn't be happier. And really, what's better for shareholders is better for patients. That's just basic healthcare economics."
The company plans to celebrate its record earnings with a leadership retreat in Maui, where executives will brainstorm other innovative ways to "enhance patient financial wellness through strategic data initiatives."
