UnitedHealth Group's latest cost-cutting measure involves an artificial intelligence system that denies medical coverage by cross-referencing patient conditions with WebMD comment sections and Facebook mom groups.
The system, dubbed "CommenterCare," analyzes claims against a database of user comments like "My uncle's neighbor's dog had the exact same symptoms and just needed to stop eating dairy!!!" and "Sounds like you're not manifesting enough positive energy," before issuing automatic denials.
"After discovering that medical school graduates were approving too many claims, we trained our AI on a more discerning dataset: Yahoo Answers' medical section from 2006-2011," explained UnitedHealth CTO Michael Barrett. "WebMD comments proved too scientifically rigorous for our cost-saving goals."
The AI employs a sophisticated diagnostic flowchart: Heart Attack → Probably Acid Reflux → Have You Tried Essential Oils? → Claim Denied. The system gives additional weight to commenters who use multiple exclamation points or write in ALL CAPS, considering them "more authoritative voices."
For disputed claims, patients can purchase UnitedHealth's new premium "Second Opinion" service, which consults both Reddit's r/medical threads from 2011 and a curated network of Facebook moms who "did their own research."
Dr. Jennifer Martinez, a healthcare policy expert at Stanford, expressed concerns after the AI denied her patient's chemotherapy because they didn't match the symptoms shown in pharmaceutical commercials featuring people joyfully walking dogs on beaches.
"The system is working exactly as intended," responded UnitedHealth's spokesperson, noting that reclassifying all emergency room visits as "you should sleep it off" has resulted in significant quarterly savings.
When asked about the AI's 99.9% denial rate, Barrett defended the system's accuracy, pointing to their robust database of users like "HolisticWarrior_2010" and "VeganCuresAll." He added that patients can appeal denials by trying every home remedy suggested in the comments section, documenting their attempts, and getting at least 500 upvotes on their progress photos.
At press time, the AI was automatically denying all claims containing the word "pain" after determining that users probably just needed to drink more water.
