Tech giant Google has revolutionized the corporate downsizing process with their new "Bring Your Baby to Layoff Day" program, which launched yesterday at their Mountain View headquarters. The program came under immediate scrutiny when the company's HR AI system accidentally classified all employees with infants as "temporary contractors with persistent dependencies."
"We believe in supporting our employees through all of life's major changes," explained VP of Human Capital Innovation Jessica Myers. "Our Milestone Bundle Package lets parents schedule their layoffs to coincide with their child's first steps or words, creating truly unforgettable family memories."
The renovated campus now features soundproof glass in executive offices, clearly labeled "Crying-Free Workspace (Babies and Former Employees)." Meanwhile, the company's proprietary algorithm optimizes termination timing based on infants' nap schedules, which HR claims has increased off-boarding efficiency by 64%.
Former nursing rooms have been converted to "Career Transition Pods," where parents can watch LinkedIn optimization tutorials while their babies enjoy ambient sounds of keyboard typing. The company has also launched an "Early Career Pipeline" program, automatically adding laid-off employees' infants to Google's talent acquisition database for evaluation in 2045.
"It's really about the long-term vision," said Director of Workplace Solutions Marcus Thompson. "Our Generational Off-Boarding Experience lets children witness their future in tech firsthand. We're already seeing tremendous engagement metrics among 6-month-olds."
The campus has updated its infrastructure accordingly, with stroller parking spots now designated as "Temporary Career Pause Zones." The company's new "Family Export Protocol" automatically transfers all photos from company devices to personal clouds during layoffs, though some employees report their baby pictures being categorized as "deprecated assets."
Google's latest AI systems now track "Post-Employment Family Satisfaction Metrics" by analyzing the decreasing frequency and volume of infant cries during the exit process. "We're seeing a 47% reduction in baby tears by the time families reach their cars," noted Myers. "That's the kind of data-driven compassion that sets Google apart."
When reached for comment, Google's spokeswoman emphasized the company's commitment to innovation: "We're not just disrupting the traditional layoff space – we're preparing the next generation for the realities of tech employment. The crying eventually stops. The algorithms suggest so."
