AT&T unveiled its groundbreaking "Democratic Internet Plan" today, revolutionizing the way customers experience the thrill of collaborative throttling (because nothing brings people together like shared buffering).
"We're empowering users by letting them purchase Voting Credits™ to democratically decide which websites deserve digital time-outs," explained AT&T VP of Customer Empowerment Solutions Bradley Martinez, while repeatedly refreshing his PowerPoint presentation. "For just $1 per vote, you too can participate in the future of selective bandwidth allocation!"
The company's new "Bandwidth Redistribution Specialists" (formerly known as Network Engineers, before the Great Democratic Revolution of 2025) ensure fairness by randomly selecting which packets to lose. "It's like a digital lottery," explained Chief Democracy Officer Tom Williams, "except everyone wins reduced speeds!"
The initiative includes monthly "People's Choice Slowdown Awards," livestreamed exclusively at 144p resolution "to maintain democratic authenticity." Winners receive commemorative digital certificates, downloadable at speeds that "respect the will of the people."
AT&T's customer feedback portal, intentionally running at dial-up speeds, has already garnered widespread praise (though comments are still loading from last week). The company has also partnered with the History Channel for "Digital Democracy Week," featuring emotional reenactments of famous loading screens throughout internet history.
"This is exactly what Tim Berners-Lee envisioned," declared Internet Historian Dr. Patricia Nash, while waiting for her video call to buffer. "The web was always meant to be a place where people could collectively decide which cat videos deserve to load first."
The company's revolutionary "Fair Use Calculator" determines optimal throttling speeds using a complex algorithm that coincidentally slows down any service competing with AT&T's offerings. Their "Democratic Latency Tracker" app shows real-time voting results but, in a stroke of participatory genius, takes increasingly longer to load as more people use it.
AT&T's new educational program, "Teaching Digital Democracy," helps children understand why some websites need to buffer "for the greater good." The curriculum includes interactive lessons about "democratic timeout corners" and "bandwidth sharing circles."
During times of "democratic crisis," AT&T's "Emergency Bandwidth Override" feature automatically prioritizes their own services, ensuring customers can always access critical AT&T content about the importance of digital democracy.
The company's customer service chatbot (currently experiencing high democratic volume) responds to all complaints with variations of "Your voice matters" followed by increasingly creative loading animations.
"This is just the beginning," Martinez added, though the rest of his statement is still buffering.
