Proton Mail unveiled its newest subscription offering today, promising users unprecedented control over which billionaires can read their private communications. The "Ethical Billionaire Access" tier lets privacy-conscious customers hand-select their preferred oligarchs from an exclusive roster of "mostly well-intentioned" tech moguls and venture capitalists.
The new service's terms and conditions are elegantly presented as a looping GIF of Elon Musk winking, which legal experts describe as "technically binding in at least three metaverses."
"We've heard our users loud and clear - they want their data protected from the bad billionaires while remaining accessible to the good ones," explained VP of Billionaire Relations Marcus Thompson. "Plus, our new 'Selective Whistleblower Protection' feature ensures any concerning emails about workplace conditions are efficiently redirected to corporate PR teams for proper reframing as 'growth opportunities.'"
Premium subscribers can choose from three carefully curated billionaire packages:
- "Tech Visionary": Your data is only shared with billionaires who post inspirational LinkedIn stories
- "Artisanal Plutocrat": Exclusive access limited to small-batch billionaires worth under $50 billion
- "Thought Leader Plus": Data sharing restricted to billionaires with over 2 million Twitter followers who regularly tweet about AI ethics
The company emphasized that all participating billionaires undergo a rigorous vetting process, including a thorough review of their podcast appearances and yacht sizes. Users can revoke access privileges after any scandals, subject to a mandatory 6-month "reputation rehabilitation period" during which billionaires can prove they've learned their lesson by posting exactly three notes-app apologies.
When asked about security concerns, Proton Mail's spokesperson noted that the service offers "military-grade encryption, except when it doesn't."
