Corporate law firms across Manhattan collectively backed away from the InfoWars-Onion merger dispute Wednesday, citing an unprecedented inability to determine which potential client was pranking them.
"We reviewed The Onion's SEC filing about their 'untapped market opportunity in gay frog journalism' right after seeing InfoWars' proposed board nominations of six Pulitzer winners and the current editor of The Economist," said Morrison & Sterling partner David Kessler. "At this point, we're ethically obligated to assume we're being punk'd by both sides."
The confusion deepened when The Onion's CEO released a formal apology, stating their "rigorous fact-checking standards and commitment to journalistic integrity clearly fall short of InfoWars' established excellence in reptilian-American coverage." Their statement accompanied a detailed financial prospectus projecting $420 million in revenue from their "Premium Tinfoil Hat+" subscriber tier by Q3 2025.
Judge Marcia Reynolds has temporarily suspended proceedings until a court-appointed linguistic expert can determine whether either company's use of "wake up sheeple" was meant ironically. "The distinction is crucial to these proceedings," Reynolds wrote in her brief. "Unfortunately, both parties are using the phrase with what appears to be identical levels of sincerity."
The situation reached a breaking point when The Onion proposed a new board of directors consisting of "three definitely real aliens we met behind a Denver Denny's," while InfoWars simultaneously published a 30-page peer-reviewed study on media bias in mainstream coverage of interdimensional portal sightings.
At press time, both companies' legal teams were spotted sharing a confused silence in the courthouse elevator, each wondering if the other was an elaborate performance art piece.
