Local gamer Kevin Mitchell has self-published a 47-page manifesto titled "The Death of Gaming: How The Witcher 4 Betrayed Its Core Audience" after discovering that protagonist Ciri wears full armor rather than the traditional chainmail bikini.
Mitchell, who spent 16 consecutive hours writing the document in his mother's basement, meticulously details how "proper female character design" has been corrupted by "radical armor agendas." The manifesto includes 14 pages of annotated screenshots comparing Ciri's practical battlefield protection to what he calls "historically accurate" examples from various beach volleyball video games.
The document underwent what Mitchell calls a "rigorous peer review process" through his Discord server "Traditional Gaming Values," which primarily consists of users with anime girl avatars who have never posted photos of themselves. "The feedback was unanimous," Mitchell stated, "especially from user XxSephiroth420xX, who has extensive experience in historical warfare from playing all the Dead or Alive games."
Mitchell has launched a GoFundMe campaign to "protect gaming culture," raising $427 which he promptly spent commissioning artwork of Ciri in what he describes as "period-appropriate battle lingerie." He's currently preparing a 200-slide PowerPoint presentation titled "Why Chainmail Bikinis Enhanced Mobility: A Scientific Analysis" for his local gaming group, which consists entirely of his Steam friends list.
A Change.org petition he started demanding CD Projekt Red release an "authentic armor mod" has garnered one signature - from his alternate account "GamingTraditionalist88." The petition argues that "real medieval women didn't even have pants" and includes a footnote citing the historical documentary "Xena: Warrior Princess" as evidence.
"I'm already working on my next research paper," Mitchell announced from his gaming chair, "'The Historical Inaccuracy of Female Leg Coverage: Why Pants Are Propaganda.' Did you know that medieval peasant women didn't have access to Levi's? That's just basic history."
Mitchell's mother Janet expressed concern about the time invested in the project. "I told him he could have used those hours to find a job or move out, but he said this was more important for preserving gaming culture."
At press time, Mitchell was drafting a follow-up piece about the "unrealistic body standards" set by Ciri's ability to climb stairs without getting winded.
