Leading insurance companies announced today they're adding "dimensional displacement" coverage to Cybertruck policies after multiple drivers reported emerging from their vehicles days or even weeks after their recorded entry time.
"We initially classified these as standard time theft claims," explained Geico spokesperson Marcus Henderson. "But calculating temporal whiplash deductibles became impossible once we realized time has no meaning inside a Cybertruck."
Tesla's customer service department has been overwhelmed with complaints, responding to most with a form email advising owners to "try rebooting causality by turning your Cybertruck off and on in all possible quantum states simultaneously."
The company's legal team argued in a recent filing that Tesla cannot be held liable for accidents that "technically haven't happened yet in this timeline," while CEO Elon Musk tweeted: "Linear time is for legacy automakers. True innovation requires breaking physics (and maybe a few fundamental constants)."
NHTSA investigator James Morrison expressed frustration after attempting to examine a crashed Cybertruck in Detroit: "I arrived at the scene only to discover the vehicle had un-crashed itself the previous week. This is the third time this has happened."
Insurance giants have begun hiring theoretical physicists as claims adjusters specifically for Cybertruck policies. "We need people who can understand how a vehicle can be simultaneously totaled and mint condition," explained Progressive's new Quantum Claims Division head, Dr. Rachel Maxwell.
One Cybertruck owner, attempting to file a claim online, received an automated response stating: "Error 404: Policyholder does not exist in current dimension. Please try filing in an alternate reality where you maintained corporeal form."
Tesla's updated warranty now specifically excludes "damage caused by temporal paradoxes, quantum tunneling, spontaneous existence failure, or any violations of causality resulting from the vehicle's natural tendency to ignore conventional physics." A footnote adds that this document may spontaneously rewrite itself in other timelines.
