Following EU demands for mandatory fact-checking, Google announced its new "Truth-Adjacent™" algorithm today, which bypasses verification by displaying results that conform to users' existing beliefs while optimizing quarterly profits.
"We've discovered that objective truth creates unnecessary CPU overhead," explained Dr. Marcus Henderson, head of Google's newly formed Philosophical Optimization Team. "Our internal studies show that fact-checking reduced profits by 37% by exposing users to uncomfortable realities. The computational cost of determining truth versus simply confirming bias is, frankly, irresponsible to our shareholders."
The algorithm, trained exclusively on Reddit upvotes and Twitter ratio statistics, has achieved record-high user satisfaction scores. "People report unprecedented levels of cognitive comfort," noted Henderson, while adjusting his 'Don't Be Evil™ (Terms and conditions of evil may vary by jurisdiction)' coffee mug.
Google's new "Epistemic Bubble Optimization Service" ensures users never encounter challenging information, while their "Dialectical Synthesis Engine" processes complex debates to always conclude the user was right all along. Early testing revealed that users were 87% happier when shown exclusively what they wanted to believe.
The company also announced a strategic partnership with consulting firm Dunning & Kruger LLC to further refine their confidence-to-competence ratios. "We're revolutionizing how people interact with information by removing the burden of accuracy entirely," said Henderson.
When questioned about potential impacts on information integrity, Google's spokesperson directed reporters to their new search results page, which definitively proved that accurate information is less important than user engagement metrics and quarterly earnings reports.
The EU Commission has reportedly responded by forming a committee to determine whether reality itself complies with EU regulatory frameworks. Google's algorithm has already concluded that it does not.
