Disney Unveils "It's a Small Claims World After All" Ride

Mickey Mouse has traded his iconic ears for a powdered wig in Disney's latest attraction at the Magic Kingdom: "It's a Small Claims World After All." This whimsical boat ride takes guests on a journey through the treacherous waters of corporate litigation, set to a catchy tune that will haunt your dreams and your wallet.

Gone are the multicultural dolls singing about global unity. Instead, visitors are treated to an array of animatronic lawyers from around the world, each reciting arbitration clauses in their native tongues. The iconic song has been rewritten with lyrics like "It's a world of waivers, a world of reports, it's a world of motions, and legal retorts."

Disney spokesperson Rachel Summers gushed, "We're excited to bring the magic of legal proceedings to our guests. It's educational, it's interactive, and best of all, it's binding!"

The ride's grand finale features a 20-foot animatronic Mickey Mouse, wearing a judge's robe and wielding a gavel the size of a small car. As boats pass by, Mickey booms, "The court finds in favor of the House of Mouse! Ha-ha!"

But wait, there's more! Each boat is equipped with a touchscreen where riders can digitally sign away their rights to sue Disney for any reason, including nausea induced by the ride itself. "It's just a bit of harmless fun," Summers insists, her smile never wavering. "And if you don't sign, well, the boat has to go around again. And again. And again."

Early reviews have been mixed. Ten-year-old Jake Thompson was overheard asking his parents, "Can we go on Space Mountain instead? This ride makes my brain hurt." Meanwhile, Sarah Goldstein, a personal injury lawyer from Topeka, was seen furiously taking notes.

As someone who still believes the pinnacle of theme park innovation was the introduction of the log flume, I can't help but feel a twinge of nostalgia for the days when Disney rides were about escaping reality, not confronting it in all its litigious glory. But hey, at least it's not another VR experience, right?

One thing's for sure: "It's a Small Claims World After All" is set to become the most skipped attraction since "Ellen's Energy Adventure." But don't worry, Disney assures us that skipping the ride is an implicit agreement to all terms and conditions. Ah, progress.